0
Is it possible to want everything and loose nothing?
Posted by Jonathan
on
2:04 AM
Over the past few years I have come to realize that my life doesn't suck as badly as I once thought it did! I used to be of the opinion that life wasn't fair, that the world was against me, and that I would go nowhere with me life.
Now, I am of the opinion life is what you make of it, and I am proud to say that I am making a pretty damn good one. However most people measure success and happiness with work, friendships, and relationships.
I have a fabulous job that I love. I have never enjoyed going to work before, but now that is different. I have co-workers that for the most part I enjoy working with, A boss who is down to earth and encouraging, and nowhere but upwards to go. Lyndsey B has been an outstanding friend/coworker - which is hard to get in the workplace, she actually makes work fun, we are a great team, and she is a great teacher.
I also love my volunteer work, PTO, CURE, All-Star, etc.
I have wonderful friends. Amy who has kept me sane and level headed for many years and Jennifer who constantly makes me laugh and appreciate life more everyday. I have many other friends, but these are the main two.
However I seem to be missing the next key "ingredient" that success is often measured. The Relationship.
The dreaded "R" word. The giving up your independence, individuality, space, time . . . . the more I type it the more I realize why I am single . . . . it is all about me!
However the older I get the more I crave that relationship with the person I will be with forever. What is forever though? I have had the quick flings, and the relationships with "the one", that turned out to be "the frog" - but I don't want to put myself out there and get hurt again, I don't want to invest time and pieces of myself for something that may not work.
There lies another problem, how do you know that it is going to work unless you put the time, energy, and pieces of yourself into it?
My other problem is that I have "relationships" at this time, that I would love for them to go elsewhere. However I am too scared to be the one to make the first move. What if I misinterpret the signs? What if by saying something, I ruin what we have NOW.
Is it better to possibly ruin something good and know now, or better to wait, enjoy what you have, and find out at a later time?
Is it better to know the truth now, and spend the time alone, or spend the time with someone you enjoy spending your time with, and find out later?
I find it funny recently that there have been several prospects, and I have always found myself saying, "Why can't I find someone to accept me just as I am?" However I am not willing to accept that person just as they are, I always find fault with them. What type of person does that? I want to have standards, I want to have qualities, but at what point do you start lowering standards?
Will I be old and crippled sitting in the nursing home in 40 years still single? Will I be completely alone?
I think I am so terrified of living life and having regrets and at the same time regretting doing the things that are living life.
Example - after finally getting my relationship on a better track with my parents, they find out I recently got a nose piercing. They freak out. I am told if I ever want help from them, not to ask for anything from them unless I have gotten rid of the nose ring. Thank God they don't know about the tattoo I also got! I don't regret getting the tattoo or piercing, but I will regret having a strained relationship with my parents years down the road. Especially my Mom. It doesn't bother her as much as it does my Dad. However they come in a 2 part package. You cannot have one without the other.
My point is I wanted to do this for 10+ years. I did it, but now in a way regret it.
I know I cannot live my life according to someone else's standards, however I have always be co-dependent when it comes to my parents, and they know this, and use it to their advantage. I am finally at the point of saying, "If you cannot accept me for me, then you cannot accept me at all"
I have my birth family who loves and cares for me. I have great friends. I have a great job, and I can only hope that the one for me is out there, somewhere, wondering, hoping, and waiting just as long and hard as I am.
Now, I am of the opinion life is what you make of it, and I am proud to say that I am making a pretty damn good one. However most people measure success and happiness with work, friendships, and relationships.
I have a fabulous job that I love. I have never enjoyed going to work before, but now that is different. I have co-workers that for the most part I enjoy working with, A boss who is down to earth and encouraging, and nowhere but upwards to go. Lyndsey B has been an outstanding friend/coworker - which is hard to get in the workplace, she actually makes work fun, we are a great team, and she is a great teacher.
I also love my volunteer work, PTO, CURE, All-Star, etc.
I have wonderful friends. Amy who has kept me sane and level headed for many years and Jennifer who constantly makes me laugh and appreciate life more everyday. I have many other friends, but these are the main two.
However I seem to be missing the next key "ingredient" that success is often measured. The Relationship.
The dreaded "R" word. The giving up your independence, individuality, space, time . . . . the more I type it the more I realize why I am single . . . . it is all about me!
However the older I get the more I crave that relationship with the person I will be with forever. What is forever though? I have had the quick flings, and the relationships with "the one", that turned out to be "the frog" - but I don't want to put myself out there and get hurt again, I don't want to invest time and pieces of myself for something that may not work.
There lies another problem, how do you know that it is going to work unless you put the time, energy, and pieces of yourself into it?
My other problem is that I have "relationships" at this time, that I would love for them to go elsewhere. However I am too scared to be the one to make the first move. What if I misinterpret the signs? What if by saying something, I ruin what we have NOW.
Is it better to possibly ruin something good and know now, or better to wait, enjoy what you have, and find out at a later time?
Is it better to know the truth now, and spend the time alone, or spend the time with someone you enjoy spending your time with, and find out later?
I find it funny recently that there have been several prospects, and I have always found myself saying, "Why can't I find someone to accept me just as I am?" However I am not willing to accept that person just as they are, I always find fault with them. What type of person does that? I want to have standards, I want to have qualities, but at what point do you start lowering standards?
Will I be old and crippled sitting in the nursing home in 40 years still single? Will I be completely alone?
I think I am so terrified of living life and having regrets and at the same time regretting doing the things that are living life.
Example - after finally getting my relationship on a better track with my parents, they find out I recently got a nose piercing. They freak out. I am told if I ever want help from them, not to ask for anything from them unless I have gotten rid of the nose ring. Thank God they don't know about the tattoo I also got! I don't regret getting the tattoo or piercing, but I will regret having a strained relationship with my parents years down the road. Especially my Mom. It doesn't bother her as much as it does my Dad. However they come in a 2 part package. You cannot have one without the other.
My point is I wanted to do this for 10+ years. I did it, but now in a way regret it.
I know I cannot live my life according to someone else's standards, however I have always be co-dependent when it comes to my parents, and they know this, and use it to their advantage. I am finally at the point of saying, "If you cannot accept me for me, then you cannot accept me at all"
I have my birth family who loves and cares for me. I have great friends. I have a great job, and I can only hope that the one for me is out there, somewhere, wondering, hoping, and waiting just as long and hard as I am.
Post a Comment